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Query Shark: #188 - Revised


MWF Bot:
#188 - Revised

Dear Query Shark,<br /><br />Seventeen year old faery Penelope Hue is stuck between two worlds. She lives in a faery Colony settled outside a human town. The Council that rules her Colony hasn’t let anyone into the Queen’s realm in years. No one knows why. So she breaks the rules, disguises herself as a human, and sneaks into the town nearby. She finds comfort, a home almost, in their ways. <br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">What's the Queen's realm? You don't have character soup here, you have location soup, a new item on the menu of "Things To Avoid in a Query!" </div><br /><div style="color: blue;">Is the Queen's realm the same thing as the human town? That doesn't make much sense to me.</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><br />After a Demon <strike>once thought banished (the breed that took her father) returns and</strike> attacks both humans and faeries <strike>alike, </strike>she discovers how good a Demon killer she is. She can fight the Demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can blend into the life she’s always wanted: a human one.<br /><br /><span style="color: blue;">What is the Demon trying to do? Why does she hate the Council? What does she like about the human life (my guess is scotch and Jack Reacher novels but that's just me.)</span><br /><br />THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.<br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">Normally I'm bellowing queries are too long. This one is too short --140 words. You can add at LEAST another 100 words before you have to think about stopping, and you could double the word count and still be ok.</div><div style="color: blue;"></div><div style="color: blue;">Lean and mean is good, but you're skeletal, not lean.</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><span style="color: blue;">Here, have a cookie. Bulk up.</span><br /><br />---------------------- <br />Dear Query Shark,<br /><br />Seventeen-year-old faery, Penelope Hue, has ignored the rules all her life. She disguises herself as a human and sneaks into their town. It must be done carefully. Quietly. The last faery <strike>that</strike> <span style="color: blue;">who</span> exposed herself to a human was put to death. And that would suck.<br /><br /><i style="color: blue;">And that would suck</i><span style="color: blue;"> is a funny light-hearted line.&nbsp; </span><i style="color: blue;">Put to death</i><span style="color: blue;"> isn't.&nbsp; The contrast between the two leaves me wondering what the tone of the book is. </span><br /><br />She meets a human boy. He’s just as rebellious and misunderstood as Penelope is and the emotional experience brings her fae gifts out. All faeries receive a gift when they come of age. As her gifts develop, she learns how to blend in with her surroundings. She can change the color of her skin, wings and clothes. She learns to help others hide themselves as well. Her gift could be used to protect the Colony, the Queen and her World.<br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">Well, I didn't realize the Colony, the Queen, and her world were in danger.&nbsp; You start out talking about a human boy but he disappears after the second sentence. Then it's a lot of description of what she can do.&nbsp; Given that I can change the color of my clothes I'm not sure you want to list that as something magical.&nbsp;&nbsp;</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">And, making a list of the things she can do isn't what I need to know. You've already told me she's magic. I assume she can do all sorts of cool stuff. The question is: what does she WANT and what's keeping her from it.</div><br /><span style="color: blue;">This second paragraph doesn't entice me to read on because I don't have a sense of what's at stake other than what seems increasingly irrational: if Penelope is discovered hanging out with the humanoids, her ilk are going to be pissed off as hell.</span><br /><br />Problem. The Colony’s Council has kept the fae from the Queen and her World for years and no one knows why. Penelope hates the way the Council rules the Colony. After a breed of demon once thought banished returns and attacks both humans and faeries alike, Penelope questions her allegiance. She doesn't know where she belongs.<br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">Now we have a demon and a Colony Council in the mix.&nbsp; Where's the boy? What does Penelope hate about the way the Council rules the Colony? Why would she question it?&nbsp; How would she know there's any other way?</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><span style="color: blue;">You're getting lost in plot points and character soup here, a veritable expo of exposition.&nbsp; Simplify. Focus! </span><br /><br />Penelope must choose between her Colony and the human world she’s grown to love. She can stay, fight the demons and their King alongside a Council she hates. Or she can use her gifts to blend into the life she’s always wanted. A human one.<br /><br /><span style="color: blue;">Why wouldn't she stay in the human world? At least they aren't going to kill her for hanging out with them. </span><br /><br />THE WINGED LIFE is an X-Men meets Tinker Bell, YA Urban Fantasy complete at 62k words. Thank you for your time and consideration.<br /><br /><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">X-Men meets Tinker Bell is pretty hilarious but I don't have a sense of the story here.&nbsp; Simplify.</div><br /><div style="color: blue;">Here's a description for a another book in this category, Wicked Lovely by Melissa Marr.</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;"><i>Keenan is the Summer King who has sought his queen for nine centuries. Without her, summer itself will perish. He is determined that Aislinn will become the Summer Queen at any cost—regardless of her plans or desires.<br /><br />Suddenly none of the rules that have kept Aislinn safe are working anymore, and everything is on the line: her freedom; her best friend, Seth; her life; everything.</i></div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">I'm not suggesting you copy this of course, but you can see that it's very very simple.&nbsp; It gives us a sense of what's at stake and what the main character's problem is.&nbsp; If you look at the description on Amazon, there's more there about the rules about fairies, but this is the heart of the plot.</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><span style="color: blue;">Right now this is a form rejection.&nbsp; Start over.</span><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width='1' height='1' src='' alt='' /></div>
Source: #188 - Revised

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