Topic: My first attempt... (Read 2032 times)

roymendez · « **on:** December 30, 2009, 06:27:42 AM »

Hello everyone! My name is Roy. I am new to the mystery writing genre. However, I have created a website in which I am currently posting my first attempt at mystery writing. It is a tv show I conceived within my own head. Please at least check out the site and if you can, read the first episode that I have posted. I would really enjoy any constructive criticism. Thank you.

Check out my website with the first episode/mystery here:
http://web.me.com/roy.mendez/www.missionarymysteries.com/Home.html

If you decide to read, there is a comment box on the first episode page for feedback.
Thanks again.

wonderactivist · « **Reply #1 on:** December 30, 2009, 09:02:06 AM »

Dear Roy,

I won't comment on scripts since I'm too new myself. I do, however, want to compliment you on two things:

1) Your website looks smooth and professional - good job

2) I just love your "getting out there" approach. Too many of us are way too stand-backish about just putting our work in public - your confidence is inspiring! Thanks for edging me closer to doing a mystery blog!

I do have one thought on the site; when you click into "Episodes" the page is mostly blank and like a lot of people, I shy away from blank pages so I immediately clicked back to the home page. It took my second visit to get me to realize that I needed to click the line of text. Do you have a photo or could you make the text into a big, extremely obvious, button for a dufus like me?

Best of luck on your series,

Lucie

off to do my word count

roymendez · « **Reply #2 on:** December 30, 2009, 04:45:03 PM »

Thanks Lucie!
I appreciate your feedback.

It was my first time making a website, so I hope I did a good job. I can add text saying that the pages are clickable.
Maybe that would get the point across?

Yeah, I'm a very "get out there" person. But once again, I appreciate your feedback.
Once you get more "new" maybe you can check it out again.
Haha.
I'll be sure to keep an eye out for your work.

Elena · « **Reply #3 on:** December 31, 2009, 11:16:36 AM »

I like both the idea and your approach. The one thing that bothers me is the Joseph Voiceover. In general voiceovers are used for just one function. Frequently they are used for flashbacks, which you do quite nicely. But, it also appears that you are using the voiceover to tell us about the present time too. That is when it becomes confusing, not knowing for sure if the voiceover is giving us background, or more information on the present.

What is your goal - a mystery novel written as a script, or an actual TV production? It is interesting either way.

roymendez · « **Reply #4 on:** January 01, 2010, 06:00:35 AM »

Quote from: Elena on December 31, 2009, 11:16:36 AM

I like both the idea and your approach. The one thing that bothers me is the Joseph Voiceover. In general voiceovers are used for just one function. Frequently they are used for flashbacks, which you do quite nicely. But, it also appears that you are using the voiceover to tell us about the present time too. That is when it becomes confusing, not knowing for sure if the voiceover is giving us background, or more information on the present.

What is your goal - a mystery novel written as a script, or an actual TV production? It is interesting either way.

Thank you for the feedback Elena.

The concept is an actual television show. It started out as a novel, but I figured I'd have more fun being able to present a short mystery every week alongside one big mystery (the fire at the end of the first episode, assuming you read it all) that would eventually be solved as sort of the "climax". In short, it is a mystery show reminiscent to Veronica Mars.

As for the voiceovers, they are meant as Joseph's thoughts, or a way of explaining to the audience details that may not be so clear. Sort of like how some tv shows break the fourth wall and have the characters talk directly into the camera, only I use them in a less direct way and have the voiceovers occur while Joseph is walking/thinking. I don't know if that makes sense? I only used them for the flashbacks because the show is based off of an original short story I wrote and I needed to explain the backstory while continuing the present timeline. After rereading it, I realize it may have been confusing. I will rewrite parts of that episode as soon as I get a chance. However, in the future they will be used almost entirely in the present time as Joseph's thoughts. Hope that clears up any confusion.

I appreciate you taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice. If you have anymore questions feel free to ask!

P.S.
In case your interested, the next episode "After the Fire" will be up within the next couple of days. The mystery of the week is a woman getting hit by a car, probably more interesting than the ring storyline. Also, the fire investigation begins. Thanks again!

roymendez · « **Reply #5 on:** January 05, 2010, 06:34:04 AM »

For everyone (if anyone) that's interested. I have posted the second episode, retitled "Hit and Run", on my website! The mystery of the week is about a pregnant woman who is hit by a car and consequentially, loses her child. Also, the season long fire investigation starts! Please give it a read. All episodes are now in proper script format!

Excerpt:
EXT.APARTMENT COMPLEX-DAY

Joseph pulls into the parking lot. He sits in the car for a minute, looking as if he is about to throw up. He takes a deep breath and exits the car to begin his walk back to his apartment.

JOSEPH (V.O): So, President Andrews wants my help. He only wants my help because its been discovered that the MTC fire was planned. By who? Here we go again. Another year, another mystery. Am I really ready for this? I guess I don’t have a choice. Barry and the others deserve to have their killer found.

Joseph’s thoughts are interrupted when he notices Billy walking towards him. He has a less than pleasant look on his face.

JOSEPH (V.O): Billy West, doesn’t look like he’s having a good day. What could he want from me?

BILLY: Joseph, I need to talk to you.

JOSEPH: Hey Billy. What’s up?

BILLY: I’ll make it quick. I saw you at the scene of that accident today.

JOSEPH: Yeah, I was there. Why?

BILLY: Well, it wasn’t an accident. It was a hit and run. I visited the woman in the hospital. She said that she was purposely hit by someone.

JOSEPH: Oh man, that’s awful.

BILLY: Glad you agree. She lost her baby Joseph. I told her that you’d help her find out who hit her.

Joseph gives Billy a "You’ve got to be kidding me" look. Billy continues to stare at him, not releasing his gaze. Joseph lets out a loud sigh and looks down, shaking his head.

Full episode at :
http://web.me.com/roy.mendez/www.missionarymysteries.com/Home.html