Topic: Query Shark: #182--Revised (Read 46309 times)

MWF Bot · « **on:** June 12, 2011, 06:50:04 PM »

#182--Revised

Dear Query Shark:<br /><br />An old and mysterious globe launches Benjamin and Caroline Coffee into the perils of history <strike>as they</strike> <span style="color: blue;">to</span> navigate through the Age of Discovery and back to the modern day. <br /><br />The unexplained death of the  grandmother brings Benjamin and Caroline to rural Illinois on the summer following their thirteenth birthdays. That is, until they innocently spin a long-neglected globe. When they regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim. The threatening Martin imprisons them, leaving them hopeless, but they soon find out that twin globes have been made and the one they need is in Lisbon, Portugal. Unfortunately, it is the same globe needed by Martin’s most secretive friend, Christopher Columbus. Martin whisks Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, but they are not alone in their voyage. The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes and to the death of their grandmother. Should Benjamin and Caroline help the deceitful Martin in his quest with Columbus or should they give up on history and try to get back home? <br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">You sent this as entire block o&#039;text. Don&#039;t do that. Break up into three-four lines in an email. Don&#039;t break sentences obviously, but do break paragraphs into smaller chunks. White space is crucial in an email query.</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">Here&#039;s how I&#039;d break it up:</div><br /><br />The unexplained death of <strike>the</strike> <span style="color: blue;">their </span>grandmother brings Benjamin and Caroline to rural Illinois on the summer following their thirteenth birthdays. That is, until they innocently spin a long-neglected globe. When they regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, <span style="color: blue;">(let&#039;s remember that Germany didn&#039;t exist as a unified political entity till after 1870)</span> and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim. <br /><br />The threatening Martin imprisons them, <span style="color: blue;">(why?) </span>leaving them hopeless, but they soon find out that twin globes have been made and the one they need is in Lisbon, Portugal. <span style="color: blue;">(they&#039;re in prison, how do they know?)</span> <span style="color: blue;">(why do they need that one and not this one?)</span> Unfortunately, it is the same globe needed by Martin’s most secretive friend, Christopher Columbus. <br /><br />Martin whisks Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe,<span style="color: blue;"> (I thought he locked them in prison?) </span> but they are not alone in their voyage. <span style="color: blue;">(Nuremberg to Lisbon isn&#039;t a voyage last time I glanced at a map)</span> The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes and to the death of their grandmother. <br /><br /><br />Should Benjamin and Caroline help the deceitful Martin in his quest with Columbus or should they give up on history and try to get back home? <br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">This is a choice without stakes. What happens if they give up on history? Does the world implode? Am I doomed?</div><br />SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES is an 80,000-word historical novel. Maps and illustrations have been created. <br /><br /><br />Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,<br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">If your query raises these kinds of questions as I read it, it makes me wonder if the book holds together logically.  (This is why a lot of agents request a synopsis--to see if the book really works in terms of plot and narrative arc)</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">You might have a fun book here, but I can&#039;t see it because all I am is confused. </div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><span style="color: blue;">Start over. Simplify.</span><br /><br /><br />---------------------------------<br />Dear Query Shark:<br /><br />After stumbling across an old and mysterious pedestal globe, a few innocent revolutions launch Benjamin and Caroline Coffee back into the midst of history’s greatest challenges as they re-encounter the Age of Discovery and struggle to find their way back to modern day. <br /><br /><span style="color: blue;">There&#039;s a lot to be said for simple basic sentence construction. Consider: <i>Benjamin and Caroline Coffee stumble across an old and mysterious pedestal globe.  A few innocent revolutions launch them into the midst</i> ...</span><br /><br /><span style="color: blue;">Writing it this way does a couple things: it helps you steer clear of long-ass sentences which is almost always the better choice.  It starts with the names of the characters.  It also helps you as an author write with forward motion.  Start at the beginning; move forward.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: blue;">I&#039;m not sure <i>innocent</i> is needed to modify <i>revolutions</i>. Whether they were innocent or malevolent, the result is the same.</span><br /><br /><br />When the two thirteen-year-olds regain consciousness, the year is 1491 in Nuremberg, Germany, and they are staring at the oldest globe in the modern world, The Earth Apple, designed by Martin Behaim.<br /><br /><br />An attempt at using the globe to get back home leaves Benjamin and Caroline kidnapped and hopeless, but soon an unsigned note left in the pocket of an obscure young artist reveals that common throughout history twin globes have been made, and the one they need to get home is the same that Martin needs for the second discovery of America; unfortunately, it resides in the castle of King John II in Lisbon, Portugal.<br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">You&#039;ve got way too much going on here for one sentence.  Also, that one sentence is 74 words.  When I see this kind of sentence in a query, I know I&#039;ll see it in the book. That means I&#039;m in for some pretty hard-core editing.  This does not bode well for "yes, I want to read pages." </div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">I don&#039;t understand how using a globe gets anyone kidnapped, or makes them hopeless. Clearly there&#039;s some sort of precipitating event  but you don&#039;t mention it.  </div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><span style="color: blue;">"An unsigned note left in the pocket of an obscure young artist" is the worst form of Scooby-Doo</span><br /><br />Martin whisks the artist, Benjamin and Caroline off across 15th century Europe, but they are not alone in their voyage. The Portuguese Crown is in vigilant pursuit, along with a curious old man who holds many answers to the wonder of the twin globes.<br /><br /><br /><br /><s>Fires are quelled, battles are fought, and secrets are exposed as Benjamin and Caroline unearth new perspectives of the Granada War, Renaissance Art, and the true discovery of America in SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES.</s><br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">This is so general as to be meaningless.  You only need the events that answer the question: what is the hero up against? What is getting between the hero and his goal?  Everything else can be left out.</div><br />SPIN: THE COFFEE CHRONICLES is a 120,000-word historical novel. Maps and illustrations have been created. <br /><br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">whoa.  120K is not a problem for an adult historical novel. Not at all.</div><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;">Your protagonists are 13.  I thought this was a middle grade book.  120K is way too long for that.</div><br /><div style="color: blue;">What you have described here is essentially a middle grade novel: kids out of place in time who need to get home. This isn&#039;t a novel that an adult would read.  You need to chop the word count by a good 50K. </div><br /><s>I am currently in a Ph.D. program at the <span style="color: blue;">(redacted)</span> so I am no stranger to research but new to novel writing. The research for this book has taken me to several of its scenes throughout southwestern Europe. I have also been in correspondence with experts at one of the largest and greatest museums in Europe, the Germanic National Museum in Nuremberg, which plays an important role in the novel as well as houses many of the famous pieces featured, including Renaissance artwork and the oldest globe extant, The Earth Apple of Martin Behaim. </s><br /><br /><br /><div style="color: blue;"><br /></div><div style="color: blue;"> That&#039;s very nice but you don&#039;t need qualifications to write a novel.  </div><br />Thanks for your time and I look forward to hearing from you,<br /><br /><br /><br /><div style="color: blue;">This is a form rejection.  I see unnecessarily complex sentences, disconnect between length and target audience.  There&#039;s nothing here right now that makes me care about the main characters and their quest.</div><div class="blogger-post-footer"><img width=&#039;1&#039; height=&#039;1&#039; src=&#039;https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/4812909700950069050-6306021739012162922?l=queryshark.blogspot.com&#039; alt=&#039;&#039; /></div>
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Author Topic: Query Shark: #182--Revised (Read 46309 times)

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Query Shark: #182--Revised