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[Zara]

Hello there,

Little reminder, me no English, no speaky English good.  But hey, you wouldn't be able to help me if I wrote my WIP in French and where would I be? Alone in my little corner of the world.

Here is the situation :
Posing as newlyweds, Tom and Jessica (2 anti-terrorist agents) hitchhike a ride... in a plane.

She exhaled a relieved sigh in the plane. No one stopped them. Both pilots entered the cockpit on the left; Jessica followed Tom down the aisle. They passed the bedroom’s lacquered wall, and took place side by side in the first salon’s rotating chairs. Tom’s roving hands kept on their game every time Markham or Harvey was around. Stroke-y, fondle-y, he spiked kisses in her neck, forehead or lips. Unnerved, she decided to retaliate in sort.

- Stroke-y, fondle-y : Can I make up words or is there a synonym (of my imaginary words )
- To retaliate in sort? or To retaliate in kind?

If you see something else lacking, feel free to comment.

Zara

[Lance Charnes]

"Retaliate in kind."

You might be better off with "stroking, fondling, he spiked..." since it gets the point across. I can't think of adjectival forms for those words.

Most airlines call it "first class," unless you have a specific airline in mind. "First salon" is very cruise-shippy.

[Zara]

Thank you Lance,

About the first salon : The plane is a Falcon 20 jet custom made for the rich and pampered. That's how they can hitchhike in...

Zara

[Chase]

Zara,

I think your English usage is remarkable.  I correspond with a family I lived with in Germany long ago, and they have lots of laughs at my U.S. idioms translated directly into Deutsch.  It's always a hazard of crossing language barriers and is present in U.K. to U.S. English.  Ha ha ha, it even pops up going from state to state here.

I have little of worth to add to Lance's great helps, only a nit-pick for discussion.

It's certainly colloquial English to say "down the hall," as if all halls were ramps, instead of "through the hall" or "along the hall."  "Down the aisle" is another popular colloquialism; however, my son the architect says the saying was literally true in some old world cathedrals where the aisle actually dropped from the narthex to the nave.  Even in newer churches, the illusion of "down the aisle" is present with vaults over the aisles quite a bit higher than the church entrances.

Words and the images they produce are interesting in any language.  I admire your tremendous determination.

Chase

[AndyA]

Hi Zara, everyone has a unique perspective on how or what they want to say. If the last sentence was part of a competition, the results would be quite diverse. For my 'entry' I'd say something like:

Overtly, he playfully planted sensual kisses on her neck, forehead or lips. Unnerved, she decided to beat him at his own game...

On reflection I probably loose the ‘overtly’ or the 'playfully', both together are a little much.... But then again I’m just a scribbler...

Good luck

Andy



 

[Ingrid]

"She heaved a sigh of relief" is the idiomatic expression.  As a general rule, you cannot get too imaginative with your words because a made-up word needs to improve on the accepted usage or there is no reason for it.  And yes, I too admire your effort and will.  I just struggled trying to read some reviews in French.  It's been many, many years since I last had French.

Ingrid

[Zara]

Thank you all for your input. Is it hot or am I blushing... Thank you for the compliments.

 

"She heaved a sigh of relief" is the idiomatic expression.

Ingrid,

Struggling on a new diet for my WIP, I'm taking 'of' every time I can. I guess I bungled it this time.   

It's certainly colloquial English to say "down the hall," as if all halls were ramps, instead of "through the hall" or "along the hall."  "Down the aisle" is another popular colloquialism; however, my son the architect says the saying was literally true in some old world cathedrals where the aisle actually dropped from the narthex to the nave.  Even in newer churches, the illusion of "down the aisle" is present with vaults over the aisles quite a bit higher than the church entrances.

Chase,
Colloquialism...  Hum, sounds like a disease, it certainly plagues me 

Thanks, this place is great. Now, back to my diet still 9000 words to go

Zara

[Leon]

"She heaved a sigh of relief"

Although a reader may get the imnpression what the writer/character is getting at, I cannot see how anyone can --- by any means --- "heave a sigh of relief".

Leon

[Ingrid]

Well, if it bothers you, call it "she sighed with relief."  Many idioms or cliches do not make a lot of sense when analyzed.  I suppose "heaved" implies a much stronger sigh.

Ingrid

[Poisonguy]

Sacre bleu!

[Zara]

I scratched it out. Didn't do a thing to the story.  4 words out 8996 to go. This WIP diet is an ordeal. I lost more hair than words since I started.
Well,    back to hair loss...
Zara